I finally scheduled some time for a few days of silence to be with myself and go within to find my gifts and a more definite course for my next step.  I was excited it was Spring Break and there would be no distractions.  It was going to be cold and rainy, so I would be at home instead of out in nature.  Therefore, I set up a room upstairs so my husband could go about his regular day without disruption.  My expectations were high.

Monday morning came and I began.  The day was spent reading, trying to be silent, trying to meditate and sleeping.  A lot of sleeping.  Whether due to exhaustion from the 3rd quarter of the school year or just resetting from all the noise in my head, there was a lot of intermittent sleeping. By the next morning, I felt refreshed and renewed, yet not really more connected.  I was struggling with the Law of Relaxation.  I found myself trying to make something happen, instead allowing myself to receive.  I had gotten ready to be ready, to be ready.  And then I ran away.

I let some “important” calls that needed to be returned break the silence on Tuesday.  I told myself I get right back to it, but I didn’t.   I must have been close to a breakdown in order for my old blueprint to jump in like that.  It took the rest of the week to see what I had done, but I got a lot of Spring cleaning done as a distraction in the meantime.

The good news is that in all the cleaning, I found a hidden closet in my mind’s attic.  I have always known about a prayer closet, but it seemed like a bit much.   Now I get how I could use this idea for my distractions.  I have always seen God as outside of myself, loving me in spite of my unworthiness.  I have had a really hard time taking on the idea that I am and i am are one in the same.   I haven’t really been able to get a rhythm in my Silence trying to mindfully intertwine the two.  I am now inspired to first allow myself to feel Spirit as I have always done with music and prayer, and then relax into the Silence knowing All is one.

I have too much white sometimes.  My brain gets the answers long before I feel the difference with my heart.  But when I love, I love deeply.  I now see how I can love myself in this way, which in turns allows me to give more love to others.  Into my hidden closet I venture to feel and relax in love.

For years I have been chipping away at the cement Buddah, even before I knew what I was doing.  I have had moments of knowing and power that have delighted me and scared me.  Who was I to create and experience something so wonderful? so easy? Life is struggle?  This lie has been unraveling and improving as of late.  Even in my health, the concerns and challenges have lessened in degree and in duration, as well as the frequency in which they occur.  To date, I mostly struggle with allergies, chronic fatigue and residual ailments from past incidents and ailments. So many broken pieces from the past held together by scar tissue and worn out muscles. Yet, nothing new or serious in nature.  I have been doing Bikram hot yoga several times a week to increase flexibility, stability and strength.  This week I attended a Sound Healing Meditation and, wow, the impact was palatable. I created an intent on the restoration of my neck area.  I will go to another one later in the month and focus on my hips and legs. With every ailment I have encountered, it is with the power of God that I was restored.  Then it is with my vibration that I have clung to the tendrils of the residual creating fear, not love.  My full restoration is a work of cleaning my mental house, which I again stand and commence in.  I arouse feeling of joy,  hope, faith and love for a strong and powerful future.   I look to be of service.  I intend to become strong enough to hike the beautiful places of the world and enjoy them with others.  

This week drags as we approach Spring Break.  Everyone is tired. The students are beginning to emit intentions that are elsewhere, as are the teachers. Our district is hit with more disruptions, which is further evidence that my time here is coming to an end.  I must prepare.  My long silence had to be rescheduled for days during my spring break, yet I am excited to see may come of that.  I didn’t realize there was an Emerson reading for this week. Self-Reliance.  That seems appropriate that this is where the struggle lies and I would have missed it. LOL. I was self-directed in choosing to marinate in my routine for one more week before taking that on.  I will have time and determination to study this piece in the upcoming week.

I feel assured I am on the journey to the life I love, yet letting go of old routines and beliefs takes conscious effort and persistence, which was my word this week. I persist.

This course never ceases to amaze.  As I struggled with my thoughts about my health, week 22 in the Master Key System focused on health.  I am reminded that everything in the universe is what it is by virtue of its rate of vibration.  Change the rate of the vibration and you change the nature, quality and form. We can change the vibration and thus produce any condition which we desire to manifest in our bodies. Haanel, 22.6

My dragon lies in front of the door to personal power and infinite possibilities of my own creation.  I have made forward motion in life, which proves I have power of Spirit, despite my attempts to negate this knowing.  What made the last few weeks so hard?

I recognize fear and personal responsibility are my triggers.  They are where I fall down, and my health challenges are inflamed.  Many times I am feeling great,  cleaning up messes made while I was down with a health concern, making forward movement on my plans and dreams only to fall again to another health challenge.  A cycle that has made my forward motion in life slow and burdensome.

I begin to observe the powerless feeling that I have allowed to consume me based upon my daily schedule of work that I no longer identify with.  I became frustrated between the wait to get started on my new experiences I claim to want and the uncertainty of the loss of security that may come with these changes.  These negative feelings were manifesting in a lack of the time, finances and health energy needed to prepare and get started in the extra times available to me.  I have not only created health struggles, but also little burdens at work that steal joys that I could be enjoying until I am able to complete this season in my life. Just in realizing this, I begin to feel better.  I clean up the past week and turn on new intent for health and lifestyle. I have scheduled a time for an extended silence time to activate my true self and gifts of service, and I will go to a Sound Healing Meditation at the end of the week.  My thought is the powerful gift God has given me to produce a life of purpose and joy, and I will begin to use it more consciously for our good.  When I place myself in harmony with natural law and allow God’s light to shine through me, I stand again and my dragon is not so scary.

I feel it won’t be long before I hug that dragon of fear, take personal responsibility for the life I create and move on.

Well, crap! It is so dark in here!  I don’t dare move forward until my eyes adjust.  I feel the breath of the dragon swirl through the attic.  It takes all my courage to just lay there and not run away as I have done so many times in the past.  Internally I weep at the possibility that I could get stuck here and never move forward!  That can’t be allowed. Not this time.  I’ve come so far.  I see a new future and consistent health is part of the picture.  I’ve always said that my good health would allow me to achieve more of what my mind can concieve.  Maybe all those big things in my mind felt so out of my comfort zone with too much to lose that health challenges became a buffer to disappointment.  Having had pneumonia at 6 months old, illness became part of who “I” was at an early age.  It destroys me and protects me at the same time.  It is one of the biggest chunks of the cement Buddha that I have been picking at during this entire trans-formative experience.  Yet, here I lay in the dark, grieving.

This week we focused a lot on miracles, and how if everything is a miracle, which I believe, then I must be one too.  A miracle who needs to wiggle in harmony,  to give myself permission to recognize that miracles are everywhere.  I understand that intellectually, however, as I played with it emotionally I couldn’t get up from the trip that had flattened me the week before.  I tried to carry on with my week, but struggled to create energy or enthusiasm for daily dealings.  My mind was as clouded as the dark, rainy sky in my environment.  I did have a movie date on Tuesday, and got through a heavy meeting with lots of paperwork after school on Wednesday.  Then I crashed hard and barely moved again until the sun came out from behind the clouds for the first time in weeks on Friday.  That health thing is still creating a stumbling block.  But at what point do I stumble?  What is the trigger? There is the key.  I must be conscious of it.

Joseph Campbell said,” Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”  I used to run and hide, then have to start over again every time I got close enough to stumble. The last few years, less running, but still big pity-parties.  Now, it’s time to keep playing all out , stumble,  find power in repose of Silence, focus on the ideal and find the treasure.

“I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy.”     Haanel,                                                                                                                                       The Master Key System

I’m feeling better already!

The week started off well.  So much new knowledge on what we have built and the solid foundation for a new future we have already created without realizing it.  The effort is all coming together into usable version of my future me.  All that is needed is a plan.  We were giving a few exercises to help bring that into focus.  The Henry Ford comparisons chart and the Hedgehog Concept.   The hedgehog has a Venn diagram focus and the fox will multitask, which has been scientifically proven to make you less effective overall.  The Hedgehog always wins.  I had several quality experiences early in the week. However, noticed some resistance to the activities and exercises that pushed the comfort zone into action. What was I pretending not to know?  How to get started.  What were the 5 most important things to do to move forward?   Do I want to focus on healthcare or cosmetics, because both are available in my business?

And then it happened.  I tripped over the “hump” in the Hero’s Journey.  The lights went out and I slammed into my dragon.  I realized later that my dragon is fear wrapped in health issues.  I became sickly and slept after work,  leaving no time for assignments or yoga or anything much for several days.

I used my courage and moved through the weekend doing several things that moved my life closer to my purpose.  I held a Motives cosmetics event and I did well.  I also had brunch with my family talking about our new company and some renovation ideas we are working on, which was inspiring and fun.  But I never felt fully well.  February has always been the worst for me,  but was this something else?  I will observe and have disciple to carry on.

My week has been full of movement without a lot of pressure from me to move it.  My Ben Franklin makeover word this week was courage, the ability to do something that frightens you.   How suiting when the Master Key Part 19 spoke about fear and its physical effects on a person.  I have had many struggles with fear throughout my life. The one’s I saw as outside of me I handled with courage like standing up to a bully for another, getting in trouble to help a friend, traveling alone or even fighting cancer.  However, most of my fears were self-created in my attic based on my judgments about the judgments of others towards me.  Now that’s a crazy merry-go-round.  One that has made me sick on several occasions.   These fears found a place to live in my mind and they took hold of my choices and actions, creating awkward gaps in my creation called life.  Over the last few months,I have been methodically shining the light on them and sweeping at them with love and courage.  Part of my DMP states, ” I am courageous in my choices.  I give up living by the judgments and expectations of others.  I give love to myself, which in turn allows me to give more love to others.”  This is beginning to take hold and becoming more of who I am.  On Monday, I watched “Finding Joe”  about Joseph Campbell and his work with a pattern hidden in every story throughout time, the hero’s journey.  The hero is called, he must answer the call, he must pass through the abyss, and he must slay “his” dragon. Then he can return and share his journey with others.  I know I am on that journey, just some days I’m not sure what part.  I know there is a dragon and it’s in the back of the attic in the shadows, but courageously I move forward.

I have recently decided to move on from my kindergarten position, and explore other areas.  I have received positive feedback from everyone I’ve talked to, including family members I thought might be concerned about our finances. This week I was notified that my room would be used for a new Montessori class, and that I would be moving all the materials out to another smaller room.  Perfect timing to just move my things home. In the last two days, I have chosen a real estate school to get my licence and have been in training for my internet business.

I talked to several folks about my business this week.  And although that is still hitting a few fear walls,  I pushed a bit back into activity.  I also attended a seminar with Big Al Schreiter on Tuesday, which was about talking to people in a way that relaxes everyone including me.  He was so insightful, as well as funny, I know I will look more into his work.  Also I loved the Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy about the power pose study.  A power pose done in private for 2 mins. can change your hormone levels to increase testosterone(confidence) and lower cortisol (stress).  Gives you courage just when you need it most and trains your brain to take that physical cue on demand.  I need that extra courage when talking to others and being enthusiastic about my decisions.  I saw this last year on a sitcom called “Odd Mom Out”.  Should have started using it then.  LOL

As they say in the Hero’s Journey, I have a dragon to slay and a little courage might be required.  So here’s to good habits of thought and power.  And a wonder woman pose for extra luck.

Funny how life can set you up.  I’ve experienced a death recently and we have been reading obituaries leading into Og Mandino’s Scroll V, “I will live this day as if it is my last.”  Then right there in the middle of it all, we celebrate the 100th day of school by dressing up as a centurion.  It was a playful day for kindergarten, but a bit more thoughtful for myself.  So few of us really make it that long, so now must be our moment to be our very best version of ourselves.  I want this moment to count for more, therefore I must be willing to be more.  First in my attic, then to the world at large.

As of late, I have found it harder to do my sit.  With it being February, I am dealing with intense Cedar allergies, and a need for more sunlight. I have found that the early morning when I was doing the sit is too difficult to stay awake.  Therefore, I am doing it later in the day, but it is not focused much.  I see my future self in a wisp of memory, then she is gone.  What did she look like? How was she dressed? Why does she elude me so.  It is like a home of mice is disturbed in the midst of my meditation and my thoughts go everywhere trying to chase them.  Tangents here and there; I stop and breathe and try to remember where I was, but I am lost again.  I am remembering the Law of Practice as I try again with the Law of Relaxation.  I want this attic mess cleaned up so bad, that I forget to relax and end up making a bigger mess.

I relaxed and enjoyed friends at a Super Bowl party.  There it is, what makes life bigger and fuller. The people and relationships.  I connected and let them know they are loved as my friends.  I felt joy.  It was a good day!  Maybe my practice is paying off.

My character word this week was self-control and I found this attic of my mind takes so much work.  It takes an effort to control your thoughts and give yourself your best life.  I have always had pretty good self-control over my social behaviors, such as drugs or gambling.  These are not my thing.  I’ve become aware that my thing might be half-empty thinking and being a turtle (slow to get things done).  Bummer   Don’t get me wrong, I do a lot when I want to and I work hard at my job as a kindergarten teacher, so when I can I want to rest.   But,  I rest a lot.  I have the self-control to go to work and do a good job, but sometimes personal things fall short.  I don’t go to yoga like I should.  I don’t always do all the self-care things I want to, and I don’t forward my business like I know I could with a little more effort. Also I have a history of illness and I never quite allow myself to be fully well, which slows me down even more. For example,  I love hot baths and need them for some muscle conditions associated with an autoimmune thing I have.  Right now, I consider that my spa lifestyle, so I indulge is this form of “me” time.  I just don’t get a lot done outside of my job and a few social encounters.  That does not benefit my future me, but I know it takes self-control to remember that and move myself forward.

The future me is active and happy exploring new ideas and places.  Tomorrow I go hiking in a local reserve.  I will move myself closer to the person I see in my dreams, but first I have to make myself get up and enjoy the journey.  My husband teased I needed to get a smaller glass, so I could pour it in and my glass would be full.  Yes and No.  I want a bigger life and I want it to be full.  This means working on my positive mental diet and growing into a full BIG glass.

In our webcast we spoke about giving ourselves permission to change, to be happy.   I’m glad this idea of permission was brought up.  I had not thought about it before, but realized I really needed to do that in order to move forward successfully.  The first earnest permission I gave myself lasted a few days, then I found myself holding back again.  Again I give with love and permission.

I have hit the abyss in the hero’s journey. I can not go back, but I have yet to go forward. I must decide to answer the call.  I am making progress with self-control and this attic in my mind is getting a complete make over.  I love redecorating. 🙂

This past week was so long.  I did not feel well, and was dealing with a health cycle that wears on me repeatedly.  In turn, I found myself questioning things about my health goals for my future self?  Was I capable of these things or did I even want them?  What was I doing to make forward movement on my dreams?  I seemed to be going in the wrong direction.  But wait!!

As I continue to read from The Greatest Salesman, Chapter 11, I am revived.

“I am nature’s greatest miracle.  …for I was conceived in love and brought forth with a purpose.  And nature knows not defeat.  Eventually, she emerges victorious and so will I, and with each victory the next struggle becomes less difficult.”

“I concentrate my energy on the challenge of the moment and my actions help me forget all else.”

My virtue for the week was decisiveness, and I practiced on smaller things, such as what  we were to eat or a movie to watch or going to a local business meeting despite my iffy health.  I planned out a week of shakes and ways I could feel better.  On a larger note, I witnessed people’s approval on my decision to change careers, making this my last year as a kindergarten teacher.

That decision has been made, however, the what comes next decision has not. This is where the challenge of the moment hits me.  I have a vision of a healthy me, traveling, experiencing adventures, and working several businesses from home.  Now I have to decide on actions that can build this dream while completing my commitment to my students and school district.  I must decide how to begin.  My actions will help me forget all else. I have struggled recently trying to gain insight on the next step that I can get excited about.  I know I have tried too hard and stepped in my own way on several occasions.  I will continue on this journey focusing on the Law of Relaxation in order to have concentrated effort that will allow intuitive perception and immediate insights into what is the next right step. The Master Key , Part 17.6

So I finally sit down to blog my progress, after a long tricky week.  Our focus virtue during week 16 was kindness, which I experienced in tremendous amounts as I dealt with the death of a close family member.  The staff at my school were all very kind in words and deeds.  My friends and family stepped up to help as we made plans to go to Kansas City for the funeral.  We made the trip and my cousin was so kind and hospitable to open her home to us for the weekend.  Kindnesses flowed to me easily and I received it with a Thank You.  I felt love and kindness surround me with a big hug.

However, there was “a trip on the rug”.  During the week, we were not only to mastermind about the kindnesses we experienced, but also the kindnesses we gave to others.  Although I observed kindnesses that I gave to my husband, my daughter, my team and my students, I was kinda weirded out about how hard it was to create random acts of kindness where no one knew (also part of the assignment). I’m not sure if it is the routine of my life, or the fact I didn’t do much out in public, or if I am a hair bit selfish.  No matter the reason, a light has been shown and I am more aware of the difference it makes in my life and the lives of others.  So I have really made a conscious effort to up my kindness not only to myself, but also to others.  This made a great impact on the weekend reconnecting with some family and dealing with loss.  Although we were all there for a tragic reason, encountered an extreme snowstorm in KC and lost electricity for the entire weekend, (expect for one hour before the services which allowed us to do our hair, lol), we were asked by the deceased to no fuss, to fellowship, to love and to laugh.  And that is what we did!  In kindeness, he is remembered!