I finally scheduled some time for a few days of silence to be with myself and go within to find my gifts and a more definite course for my next step. I was excited it was Spring Break and there would be no distractions. It was going to be cold and rainy, so I would be at home instead of out in nature. Therefore, I set up a room upstairs so my husband could go about his regular day without disruption. My expectations were high.
Monday morning came and I began. The day was spent reading, trying to be silent, trying to meditate and sleeping. A lot of sleeping. Whether due to exhaustion from the 3rd quarter of the school year or just resetting from all the noise in my head, there was a lot of intermittent sleeping. By the next morning, I felt refreshed and renewed, yet not really more connected. I was struggling with the Law of Relaxation. I found myself trying to make something happen, instead allowing myself to receive. I had gotten ready to be ready, to be ready. And then I ran away.
I let some “important” calls that needed to be returned break the silence on Tuesday. I told myself I get right back to it, but I didn’t. I must have been close to a breakdown in order for my old blueprint to jump in like that. It took the rest of the week to see what I had done, but I got a lot of Spring cleaning done as a distraction in the meantime.
The good news is that in all the cleaning, I found a hidden closet in my mind’s attic. I have always known about a prayer closet, but it seemed like a bit much. Now I get how I could use this idea for my distractions. I have always seen God as outside of myself, loving me in spite of my unworthiness. I have had a really hard time taking on the idea that I am and i am are one in the same. I haven’t really been able to get a rhythm in my Silence trying to mindfully intertwine the two. I am now inspired to first allow myself to feel Spirit as I have always done with music and prayer, and then relax into the Silence knowing All is one.
I have too much white sometimes. My brain gets the answers long before I feel the difference with my heart. But when I love, I love deeply. I now see how I can love myself in this way, which in turns allows me to give more love to others. Into my hidden closet I venture to feel and relax in love.